Thinking Under Bizarre Reasonings

I have finally, yes, finally, decided to not care anymore.

Surprising indeed. I usually would just keep it up for at least a month. But I guess, I decided, a month is just too much time to waste bothering.

Today, I don’t know what happened, but it happened. The left side of my body felt like it got pierced by thousands of needles. Not the acupuncture kinda needles but the sewing needles kinda needles. It certainly hurt like hell on hell on earth. That’s twice the hellish moment, mind you.

After that, during the evening in class, again, the left side of my body was acting up again. This time, it turned numb. Well, it could have been that it was because I was leaning on my arms but hey, my right arm felt perfectly fine. I could barely feel my fingers and when I touched my left hand to my cheek, it was freezing cold whereas my right hand was warm. Did I mention that the air-conditioner was located on my right? Weird huh?

Another weird thing I noticed today was the fact that walking back home today was especially difficult. I usually am able to walk up the hill before panting from lack of air in my lungs (that comes from lack of exercise ), today however, I was already exhausted before even reaching the main road!

What is going wrong with this sickly body of mine? I know that you’re signaling for me to start doing something about you. But I am already walking to and fro from house to university and back to the house again. The concept “one small step eventually becomes a huge step” applies here you know. So please be patient with me. Don’t die out on me yet, I am trying my best.

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I’m sure a lot of people have noticed by now that I’ve been having lots of mood swings lately. I know that I have it too. But apparently I can’t seem to get out of this mood. Not that I don’t want to but I can’t help it when I’m in pain. Perhaps I should get some painkillers to help ease the pain?

But then again, I shouldn’t, I don’t want to get an addiction to it. I used to have a mini obsession for Panadols. So I better not.

I tell you, I hate it when there’s something that can be done but all of a sudden without notice, nobody does it, even after deciding upon it. I TRULY hate it. Dai kirai!!

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I wonder, am I a hard person to get along with? I think I am. In fact, I think I’m an impossible person to get along with. I hate that about myself so I try to change. But after I change, I despise myself because I’m not being myself at all. In fact, I change to conform and I do not like that idea of conformity.

*Bangs into wall*

I guess like that wall, I should just be myself, without any pretense and forever unmoving. Just stay strong and stick to what I believe. Anyway, I’m super exhausted now since I was awake last night rushing my final year project proposal. So now I’m off to sleep and up early tomorrow for a wedding before back to work again on assignments.

Good night!

I’m so angry today :x I feel like stabbing someone in the front, dig out their heart and then smash it under my feet.

Yes, I’m that insanely angry. Why?

First of all, my nails. Whenever I stare at my nails, I feel ugly as hell. Not because it’s ugly but also because the painting is uneven thanks to the failure of a nail polish a certain someone gave me. That nail polish needs to be reported in to quality control because, believe me, that one has NO quality whatsoever.

Secondly, my assignments. I haven’t finished my thesis proposal and then we haven’t even begun any of the assignments. And then all of a sudden, from funeral business, we’re to change to event planner thanks to two certain someone who decided we should just do that without even discussing. Since the assignment is about creativity, event planner is just a fucking BORE.

Third, my bodily condition is worsening. Today, I felt an immense pain during class. I tried my very best to hide the pain because nobody realized anything. Thank goodness. I don’t know how long I have since I have stopped going for body checkups due to immense mental disappointment. But I feel that my life will continue to spiral downwards what with my being insensitive to my body’s needs and health.

Lastly, I’m just so pissing angry because of nothing and everything. I think too much about stuffs irrelevant to me and I also think too deeply into things that aren’t meant to be thought deeply about. I’m bringing myself misery by just thinking and such.

People often ask me, “You’re always being too emo in your blog. Are you just doing it to get pity by letting your friends see it?” The answer is, no. Truth to be told. I have since stopped pinging my blog online. Not only that, I would only ask my friends to see my blog when there is something good/funny here. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even mention a thing.

I know for a fact that my peers do not read my blog unless urged to. So I have no worries that they will view my pathetic side. After all, what do they really know about me but the sarcastic/sometimes-funny side of me? Nothing. I rather they know nothing about it because it’s none of their business at all.

Are friends really your friends? Would they be your friends forever? I doubt that.

I have learned never to trust my friends to be true friends ever since I was in Primary school. It was a bitter lesson but a lesson well learned. I learned that “Friends can be bought” and in truth, I did want to believe that but the fact is, they can be bought.

Humans have many good traits such as honesty, modesty, kindness, gentle and so on and so forth. But they are also tied to the evil qualities such as dishonesty, greed, jealousy, gluttony, and all the bads.

To me, a friend is only a friend if I’ve known them at least 4 years without any such incidents that causes me to break ties with them. Any person who I’ve known less than that are considered nothing but strangers. Not worthy of my kindness, and goodwill. They deserve nothing but my sarcasm and hate. If they can get past this and still be my friend despite all my bad points, then there’s something to be said about their naive stupidity.

Anyway, after typing so much and just ranting, I feel much better now and sleepy too. So I’m logging off now to have a nap before I start my research proposal tonight. Bye.

I’m glad Valentine’s Day ended on a positive note for me this year. Unlike the year before, I spent Valentine’s Day alone this year. Had no negative feelings about it though. Instead, I just went right to bed as soon as I got home. Weird huh? Heh, I am rather proud of myself for that too ;p

However, after all the Valentine commercialization shiz. For some reason, my heart plummeted from it’s position from the top right of my chest down to my toes. I was shock at first but I don’t know, I began to feel uneasy in my guts, like something is going to go wrong…it was like, as if someone or something was holding onto my heart in a viselike grip. Tightening every second, threatening to burst it.

I felt so anxious about it that I even refused, REFUSED to go to classes on Friday. I can remember the feeling well, like something was biting at my under-skin making me itch to scratch my hands off.

Just remembering the feeling is making me nauseous all over again.

Could this be the aftermath of having positive energy on Valentine’s Day even though I was quite happy being single? Or has it something to do with my health condition? I was never a healthy person, always falling sick and ending up in the hospital when I was just a child. And recently I even found out that I had that…I’m surprised that I have lived till now. I’m lucky indeed hahahahaha.

Even so, because of my anxious feeling, I’ve started to delve into my negativity again. My negativity is still at a moderate level though. But I don’t know how long I can keep it that way. Sadly, I have no one I can talk to about this. I don’t want to tell my parents and I don’t want to tell my friends’ either. In actuality, I can’t seem to find it in me to trust anyone about my deepest darkest secrets.

Can I trust you?

What am I asking? You don’t even know me and I don’t know you. It’s because you’re all anonymous strangers that I’m even writing these down.

Pink Drink

Somehow, I feel a mutual relationship with this picture. Alone, the drink stands, without another to accompany it. Drinking alone without company. As if afraid to be alone, afraid to open up to others. Afraid of being afraid.

And with a last toast, I toast to the darkness surrounding my anxious heart, body, and mind.

Happy V Day from me to everyone in the world.

Valentine’s Day isn’t just another day to appreciate your boyfriend or girlfriend, your lover, or your husband or wife. It’s a day to celebrate love with ALL your loved ones. Be they family, friends, relatives, boy(girl)friend, lover, or husband or wife.

As long as you love them, care for them, then by God, appreciate them today!

Here are a few funny quotes I found online for Valentine’s Day :

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
By Unknown

Love is a grave mental disease.
By Plato

Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.
By Unknown

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
By Jerome K. Jerome

Remember that I said I’m going to be showing loads of pink stuff this month? Well, I am and this is today’s Pink item.

Pink Egg by bas7a

Truly a work of art! I’m actually putting this picture up to creep my sister out. She doesn’t eat eggs because of the knowledge that if she eats them, she’s actually eating ovum.

Actually, the thought of that is actually creeping me out too but hey, I eat eggs once in a while if it’s mixed in my food. If not, I barely touch it

Anyway, I’m seriously mesmerized by this pink egg…*stares*…