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Seething and jealous, I looked at my siblings coming home from their shopping trip at the Digital Mall, with new laptops in hand. I glanced at their happy faces for a split second before feeling the force of jealousy spread through me like wildfire and instead of confronting them, I turned tail and ran upstairs; upstairs to the front of the family computer and started typing.

I feel pitiful to harbor such feelings of jealousy. I know for a fact that they got them laptops with the use of my parents’ hard earned money and I know I should not be irresponsible to want one too as I am the failure child in my family. Truth be told, they only got them laptops because they are just starting their college years. I on the other hand, am almost at the end of the line. Not to mention, my results. I know for sure that I am not gonna make the cut to enter a good university overseas. Thus, would be disappointing them when they find out as well as making them realize that if they had bought me a laptop, it would have been a waste.

Gawd, I hate this feeling of jealousy. I hate being the eldest. I hate having to try new and unknown things before anyone. I hate having to think responsibly. I just hate it all. Right now, I can say for sure that I am currently feeling some suicidal ideation right here in my head. I just want to end it all right now! But then I remember, my family is great compared to others. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the ups and downs of life.

PLEASE do not take me seriously, I am CURRENTLY ranting my heart out.

Perhaps I am the one who needs some counseling. It’s been a long time since I felt this emotional. I pried myself to be a positive person and strive to help others be positive about themselves. But no one is perfect. Especially not me. I have a tendency to be emotional, angry, and violent at the same time. But I guess to be in this kind of business, you must be willing to forsake your own feelings and emphatize with your clients.

But SHIT! This forsaking thing is HARD to do!! I want to be emotional and want to complain ALL THE TIME TOO!! I hope to heck that I do make the cut to continue my studies, then, I won’t have to feel as guilty as when my parents find out that I’ll be a burden to them for life and am a useless couch potatoe.

It seems I’ve blogged a lot today, it seems I have not had a good topic to blog about in a long time. Right now, I feel a mite bit better in ranting. And I think, I’ve done a lotta hating today. And I hope when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll feel a whole lot better.