…that make up the lives of many.

Ever noticed the small things that happen around you that may or may not have any influence on your world?

Sadly, many people either give too much thought on it or non at all.

And I can surely say that I myself am not fully aware of the tiniest thing that goes on around me. In fact, one might say I simply do not want to see even the tiniest of things that I have no control of.

I for one, am a control freak. I prefer not to be told what to do. I’d prefer to have the upper hand. But in life, there’s no such thing as forever having the upper hand. But I’m not talking about that.

I’m talking about what we ourselves don’t see nor acknowledge. And that’s the topic I have in mind tonight. Well, not really. I haven’t exactly collected my thoughts yet. But once I do, you can be sure that I’d be out with it.

Basically, the whole point of this topic is to say that, instead on focusing on myself too much, I’d like to focus on other things. Not so much me than others. So this is a afore note mentioning that in the next posts for the rest of the year, it would be more reflecting than actual rantings of “my life”.

I find myself talking round and round in circles lately and I feel that it’s beginning to get rather annoying. I guess a change in what I write will make up for a lot of things that I’m not going too deeply into.

How hard is it to make a life decision?

Indeed, how hard can it be?

Isn’t it a matter of choosing the best possible solution to benefit oneself?

Isn’t it?

Perhaps.

But it’s easier said than done.

Shouldn’t the decisions you have to make involve only you?

I wished it were true.

But it isn’t.

Most decisions made in life have, if not direct, indirect aftereffects trust upon those affected by the decision made.

This is especially so if you happened to have made a BAD decision.

If it had been a GOOD decision, those involved would more often than not, not recognized it.

Theres a definite unfairness to it. But heck, life’s unfair…

To stay the way I am, or to go on a diet and exercise frenzy? (Mother’s request)

I like the way I look right now, but mom has already spent a fortune on a gym membership on me.

Decision made with pressure.

I’d like to live in a slow-paced life, but to live luxuriously, I’d have to have the means.

Since I don’t have the means, I’d have to live a fast-paced life until I have the means. And I have to consider the welfare of my family before my own.

Again, another decision made.

Surprisingly, the decisions made so far are rather easy as I’m looking at it from a third person view.

I know making decisions are a necessity in life.

I concur.

But I’d like to make a decision…just for me, and affects only me sometimes.

I’d like to be selfish too.

I can.

Right?

“Since you want it so much, we’ll get that for your birthday la.“

“OMG, REALLY?!“

“Yes, really.“

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That was in April 2008. It’s now August 2008. Four months have passed since my 21st birthday came and past. And the taste of that empty promise is overwhelmingly bitter. At the time, I was too excited to realize that the item I wanted from them was just the figment of my imagination. The reality of it was just something they could afford if they bought it jointly but didn’t want to afford.

I should have seen the signs. The reluctance in their voices, expressions, and body language. But of course, being the human that I am, I made myself block that out of my mind. Truth to be said, I didn’t even push them into buying it for me. I just happened to mention that I wanted it when they happened to have wanted to go out that day to buy my birthday present for me.

In fact, I didn’t even insist that they buy it for me (well, not that much anyway). I don’t remember going around screaming about me wanting that item. I gave them space, I gave them time, I gave them the choice. But too much is too much when they NEVER PLANNED TO BUY IT FOR ME but PROMISED ME ANYWAY.

How would I know this? I know this for a fact when they mentioned that they ASSUMED that I had forgotten about it. They ASSUMED that with enough time, I would forget about it and then they didn’t have to buy it for me. That’s just ironic because I have NEVER stopped thinking about it. I think about it every single day, whenever I’m on the computer, or drawing, or scanning, or anything to do with my creative side of the brain.

Do you know the feeling of having promises made to you, dashed? Killed? Massacred? I guess everybody does. It’s like a child whose mother promised to love him forever and the next day find his mother trying to kill him because she can’t stand the sight of looking at him.

I think I have gone past the point of trust. I used to trust people a lot. That was when I was just a child, and then something happened to make me trust only my family. I remembered having shitloads of friends. But on that fateful day when I was but Standard 5 (aged 11), the friends I thought were my friends, betrayed me. They were friends who promised to be my friends, until of course, they were bought off by one of the girls in class who never liked me although we were friends. They were bought off by COLORED pens, of all things!! And with the pens, they agreed not to be my friends, to shun and ignore me, to be HER friends, to insult and make my life miserable.

And now, I’m back to that stage again…I know for sure that I cannot trust them again. I know it’s a small thing to be mad about. But it’s the principle of a thing. I may not be a child anymore but I still have my childish insecurities at times. I guess that makes me like everyone else in the world, huh?

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To trust someone is to be ready to feel the hurt of having the trust shatter.

To promise someone is to have enough responsibility to fulfill the promise.

Reality Goals

1. May cleanup : It’s that time again! The semester is over and it’s time to organize the past…
2. Start a new hobby : So very bored…need new obsession…
3. Hibernate before my Industrial Attachment begins : I think this says it all.
4. Go back to dieting again! : Yes, I’ve gained 5 kilograms the past 3 stressful weeks of exam! Gotta lose em all!

Virtual Reality Goals

1. Get into blogging again : The need to revive the blog is tempting indeed.
2. Start character blogging to develop my writing skills : I realize that I suck at writing fiction. Had to start somewhere, right?
3. Narrowing down the field of blogging : I prefer not so much to talk about my personal life since it’s boring and it’s always the same usual stuff.
4. Update my Psyche series : Time to brainstorm and get updatin’!

Well, that’s about it for my May goals. Not much as you can see. I’m very realistic about what I can and cannot do. Hopefully by month’s end, I’d be able to learn something through these goals. And maybe, just maybe, be able to be satisfied with my life as it is.

There always come a point in time when theres just too much free time, too much that I start thinking about him. And about how I can never meet someone like him again in this lifetime. Isn’t it about time I let go? I thought I did, but thoughts of him comes back every so often when I have time to slow down my pace.

Oh yes, on another note, I’ll probably be talking more about Psychology and stuff here and my blog from now on since I’ve decided that it’s time to narrow down the content of my blog. It’s just like a normal journal if I kept going as I am now. So basically yeah…a change of taste?

This comic is done by *drumrolls* yours truly, ME!

Psyche comics is a mini series on some terms and so on in Psychology that I have learned over the course of my studies. It’s a mini series because Psyche comics have no heads and no tails. Meaning that it doesn’t have a big plot or anything. Just some little storyline in each issue.

The “Purple Hellgirl” title is actually the title of the series I’m making during my semester break. And Psyche is just a spinoff of that. Just for laughs and what not.

Please enjoy my comics and COMMENTS are VERY welcome

PTSD also known as Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

This is another video made by my group for a second presentation this semester for our Abnormal Psychology class.

It’s really all about how someone can get PTSD and how it can affect the person having it.

Enjoy the video because we certainly enjoyed making it.

*cough* I know I look extra humungously fat in the video but hey, I’ve been eating a whole shitload recently due to stress so I’m excused gonna go back on a diet as soon as my finals are over ;) *cough*

Credits

Actors/Actresses

Main Girl : Liru
Main Guy : Chan Wai
Bystander : Woan Ling
Friend #1 : Jessica
Friend #2 : Woan Ling

Places

Jessica’s Neighborhood
Liru’s Home (Maybe?)
UTAR’s Random Classroom

This is a video made by my group members. I was the person directing it. It’s really funny and sad at the same time.

Funny when my team members were doing the acting.

Sad when you start to realize that there are children out there suffering thanks to their inconsiderate parents.

Don’t get married if you think it’s just going to end. And don’t let your child suffer the pains of your decisions.

Credits

Actors/Actresses

Main Girl : Joanne
Main Guy : Chan Wai
Baby : Garfield Doll
Sad Little Girl : Liru’s Cousin

Places

Jaya One
Jessica’s Upstairs Hall
Jessica’s Garden and Garage

I’ve been in love before, having crushed on someone before, had my heart broken before, cheated on someone before, and even fallen out of love before. So you wouldn’t say it’s strange to dream of my past loves. But wouldn’t you say it’s strange when you start dreaming of guys who you’ve never thought you had any attraction to before?

I do. I’ve never thought of him as anything other than a friend. In fact…I don’t think I’ve ever thought of him as a friend at all. As a classmate maybe, but not as a friend or anything more than that. I don’t even know if he even has a girlfriend LOL! But I assume he does, just not in plain sight.

The thing is, I have a personal preference of only dating guys who aren’t Asian. Don’t bother asking me why because I’m going to tell you why. Asian guys…they’re too skinny for me. I am a big person and I like guys who are well, almost equal to me, meaning that I can at least hold him without fear of breaking his all-so-fragile bones. Believe me when I say this, it’s also weird to see myself walking down the road hand in hand with a small guy next to my bigness…that’s a weird scene, seriously.

Although I’m a single person, I don’t feel bad for myself at all for not having anyone with me. Because I know that there is someone waiting for me on the other side of the world…we may not be able to physically be in contact, but I’m sure, one day, he’ll come looking for me. In fact, I have been in and out of love with that certain person. Yes, I’m STILL in and out of love with him LOL. I just hope he knows that or I would be the one sitting at his wedding looking jealously at his bride and feeling suicidal.

But to tell you the truth, I’m sure if we were to meet in the far future, I would still be in love with him, I don’t really know if it’s love…perhaps it can be said as…affection maybe…if it’s love, it will come in due time. Just not now. Right now? Right now I’m all well with going into a new relationship with any one guy I like. As long as both he and I can create an interesting relationship where we don’t end up like those typical couples who get together and just silently sit somewhere together, not talking, but just showing body language that “hey man, we’re together, can’t you see us sitting together?” like…right…

So back to this other person, I’ve been dreaming of him lately which is really strange. The first time I saw him in my dreams was hmm…last Wednesday. Yes, not that long ago was it. It’s not the romantic kind of dream mind you. It was more of horror.

I was walking alone by myself one day when I saw a group of people in front of me going up the escalator, they saw me and waved. I knew those people actually, they’re a group of 4, in the same tutorial group as mine but different team. There was K, KR, SK, and JQ. I didn’t know where they were headed so I followed them up the escalator. At the top of the escalator, I found myself distracted by a gift shop so I decided not to follow them and browse the shop, maybe buy something.

While looking at the little items on show, I saw from the corner of my eyes that JQ seemed to have abandoned his group of friends and came strolling into the shop. I didn’t make my presence known and just continued looking. So looked I did until I finally finished looking at every single thing in the shop.

There was nothing I wanted to buy and decided to just leave. I didn’t turn around to see if JQ was still there, but I know he was. Turning to my right as I left the shop, I noticed a newspaper stand next to the gift shop and turned towards there…and in front of me, plastered to the newspaper stand was a dead woman!

Her eyes were open in death - dilated and with red veins crisscrossing her eyeballs - and her body was stuck to the newspaper stand with duct tape or something holding her body up. I froze as I saw the body. What drew me to the dead woman was her eyes and for some reason, I kept staring at her eyes. Apparently, I stared a bit too long and like a gust of wind, her memories, knowledge, mind, started rushing into my brain, I saw what she saw and so on. At the end, the woman’s mind said something gibberish but halfway through, someone stood in front of me and hugged me really tight…

My eye contact with the dead woman was broken. Hugging the person holding on to me, I cried with all the sorrow in the world. After a long moment, I looked up and saw that the person hugging me, was JQ…

To the right of me, a person stood looking at me, apparently, he was a detective. He looked at me with this look that said he found me curious and a mite interesting and ask “you looked into her eyes too long didn’t you?” I nodded to his question. “Well honey, I’m afraid to say this but, if you had looked any longer than 10 minutes, you would have been cursed…but thanks to this boy here, you were saved from being cursed by her…”

And that was when I woke up. After that, the dreams were more or less the same with him sometimes in it. Maybe it’s a sign of something bad to come or something good but I know for sure that it’s probably nothing romantic. It’s probably an omen or something LOL! What a way to find an omen, huh?

Well, I hope these dreams will come to an end sooner or later, then I can just continue to live in my own world, looking out at the horizon, waiting.

What a day to elect your most favored party seeing as you can only vote once every few years for the representatives that would become your government, to decide nation and state decisions, to listen to your complaints, to change the current situation the country is in. Oh so much to mention. Basically, you’re voting to elect the people whose gonna boss you around choose who is going to make decisions on behalf of the people.

Sad to say, I wasn’t able to vote this round..I’m a month shy of 21. So what did I do? I went and celebrate my Grandmother’s birthday in the evening at a restaurant with the rest of the family and extended family I’ve got nothing to complain as long as there is food

Theres decently delicious food, kind of decent restaurant, noisy but happy environment, lots of babies and kids to play with, lots of relatives to talk to. What more can I ask for? …a lounging area?

“If only this was a beach and not a noisy restaurant…”

Woah…I didn’t know they have lounging services to go with food and atmosphere…hand me one of them lounging chairs won’tcha? Oh wait…what’s there to the right?

“Aiyoh…opposition di di nya! (Aiyoh…the opposition keeps winning!)”

Oh chiu…and here I thought I would get to enjoy the “lounging services” as well. What a kill joy! Who watches the news when there are good food, huh?! And to my understanding…that’s the restaurant owner there lounging.

“So what’s the result huh?”

“What’re you all watching?”

“Yao pai dang… (still got a long wait…)”

“Pay attention to me! Not to the TV!”

A supposedly crowded restaurant with people sitting around enjoying the food and each others’ company has turned out to be a cinema for watching the election results. However, as the next dish was served, the people gradually went back to their seats and eat…

“Mmm…yum!! Later only go watch again…”

When I did an imaginary interview with the people asking their opinions on this year’s election:

“I’m on camera! Cheese!!”

“Errr…no comments…!”

“BLEEEEEEEEEEEH!!”

“Huhuhuhu…do’h…”

“HEY! Can’t you see I’m eating this HUGE peach of youth?!”

“Hey ma! We’re on camera! I wanna say hi to my family, my friends, my…”

Oh well…I guess food are the only things on their mind at the moment and also the camera that is…LOL. Anyway, it seems BN has taken a HUGE loss this time around. Just goes to show how dissatisfied Malaysians are with their lack of promises and the way they are handling things. If things continue to stay the way it is before…BN, I doubt anyone would be able to save your asses in the next election.

Other than the fact that BN got their butts whooped by the opposition parties, I had a great time having dinner at the restaurant while they worried about their jobs.

P.S.: Post written on the 8th of March 2008 but posted on the 9th of March 2008 seeing as the writer only got home from the restaurant at night and went to bed.