Thinking Under Bizarre Reasonings

Today was a very bad day indeed, for me. Whoever said third time’s a charm must be a fool.

Not only was I not able to go to the cosplay competition, I also started saying bad things about somebody’s parents to their daughter, had a petty argument with my brother, and went on a pouting session on my mom.

That’s 3 strikes and now, I’m out of the game…

.~*~.

I know it’s terrible to badmouth someone’s parents, but I was really pissed off because these parents has given me reason not to put ANY hope on promises from now on. So heres the deal, their daughter, WL and I decided we were gonna go to the cosplay competition today for laughs and for experience. Of course, we had this planned ahead. However, only yesterday night did she MSN me telling me “Hey, my father damn stubborn, he say wanna take my mom shopping and only take me back when finish, around 5 something…” hello?! The competition ends at 6.30 pm! It’ll be over by the time she gets back and we went to the competition! Not to mention, she told me she had pestered her dad for a whole day and he stood by that conviction.

Bleh, in my mind, I know my anger is for nothing. But heck, when a promise or a decision is made, one should stand by that responsibility and see it through. I mean, isn’t that what parents should be teaching their children? To honor a promise, to keep by their decisions? I know my parents did. So how is it different with other parents? Sometimes I wonder where she got her lack of common sense from and it just makes you wonder if family background has anything to do with it. But enough about her. I can see myself not communicating with her for the next couple of days or so. But that’s hard to say since we DO work together
in the same tiny office and WILL eventually HAVE to talk to each other.

.~*~.

After figuring that I wouldn’t be going out with WL, I went downstairs to ask my brother to take me to the competition and go along with me. Which was a good idea at the time… He however, did not think so, he basically ignored me and continued playing his PSP while I kept “PLEASEEEEEEEE!!!” -ing him. To no avail, he continued to ignore me. However, as the day went by, when my sister was about to go to tuition, my mom told her to follow the driver instead of making my brother take her. Needless to say, my brother was gleeful at the thought of not taking my sister to her tuition for one round (my sister has 3 tuition classes on Sundays, so that makes my brother driver for to and fro, 6 times). My sister not happy (because she has to give directions to the driver), looked at my brother and said ONE “please“. ONLY ONE PLEASE AND HE BLOODY RELENTED!! How unfair is THAT?! Just because I am the older sister, he chose to ignore my pleas…and I RARELY ask him to take me ANYWHERE!! This is a case of favoritism!! And I protest!! He of course protested to my mom that where I wanted to go was boring and a waste of time. Yea, like taking my sister to tuition all day was all fun and games.

.~*~.

So here, my mom, she’s been sick for a few days now, poor mumsies. I know better than to ask her to take me there. Which of course, I didn’t, ask her, that is. However, protesting the unfairness of my brother towards me, she just shrugged it off and let it go. Now, what was that about? I know for a fact I have not been asking my mom for anything throughout this year, so why is she making it seemed like I was spoiled?! I even pay for myself carpooling in someone else’s car! Which I know, for a fact that my brother would whine about it and ask my mom to foot the bill. He’s spoiled rotten and broke. And for heaven’s sake, I’m the responsible and obedient child she’s got. So why can’t she for once, for ONCE! open a path for me? Did you know, she ADMITS that I’m her experiment child…which is totally sad because I thought she loved me…

.~*~.

And THAT, dear readers, was how I ended up on the bad side of everyone. All in ONE day, imagine that. So now, I’ve told my mom that whenever I wanted to go out, I’d just go. I wouldn’t bother asking anyone to go with me or take me there. I’d just leave.

Oh, I know they’d worry about me if I didn’t get back in time, I know they’d wonder where I went. But heck, enough is enough!! They have NEVER appreciated when I’m there, so why should I allow myself to waste the years I have left to them when I know it’s all a waste? Well, no more I say!! I will go out WHEN I want, and with WHOEVER I want.

“Since you want it so much, we’ll get that for your birthday la.“

“OMG, REALLY?!“

“Yes, really.“

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That was in April 2008. It’s now August 2008. Four months have passed since my 21st birthday came and past. And the taste of that empty promise is overwhelmingly bitter. At the time, I was too excited to realize that the item I wanted from them was just the figment of my imagination. The reality of it was just something they could afford if they bought it jointly but didn’t want to afford.

I should have seen the signs. The reluctance in their voices, expressions, and body language. But of course, being the human that I am, I made myself block that out of my mind. Truth to be said, I didn’t even push them into buying it for me. I just happened to mention that I wanted it when they happened to have wanted to go out that day to buy my birthday present for me.

In fact, I didn’t even insist that they buy it for me (well, not that much anyway). I don’t remember going around screaming about me wanting that item. I gave them space, I gave them time, I gave them the choice. But too much is too much when they NEVER PLANNED TO BUY IT FOR ME but PROMISED ME ANYWAY.

How would I know this? I know this for a fact when they mentioned that they ASSUMED that I had forgotten about it. They ASSUMED that with enough time, I would forget about it and then they didn’t have to buy it for me. That’s just ironic because I have NEVER stopped thinking about it. I think about it every single day, whenever I’m on the computer, or drawing, or scanning, or anything to do with my creative side of the brain.

Do you know the feeling of having promises made to you, dashed? Killed? Massacred? I guess everybody does. It’s like a child whose mother promised to love him forever and the next day find his mother trying to kill him because she can’t stand the sight of looking at him.

I think I have gone past the point of trust. I used to trust people a lot. That was when I was just a child, and then something happened to make me trust only my family. I remembered having shitloads of friends. But on that fateful day when I was but Standard 5 (aged 11), the friends I thought were my friends, betrayed me. They were friends who promised to be my friends, until of course, they were bought off by one of the girls in class who never liked me although we were friends. They were bought off by COLORED pens, of all things!! And with the pens, they agreed not to be my friends, to shun and ignore me, to be HER friends, to insult and make my life miserable.

And now, I’m back to that stage again…I know for sure that I cannot trust them again. I know it’s a small thing to be mad about. But it’s the principle of a thing. I may not be a child anymore but I still have my childish insecurities at times. I guess that makes me like everyone else in the world, huh?

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To trust someone is to be ready to feel the hurt of having the trust shatter.

To promise someone is to have enough responsibility to fulfill the promise.

I have finally, yes, finally, decided to not care anymore.

Surprising indeed. I usually would just keep it up for at least a month. But I guess, I decided, a month is just too much time to waste bothering.

Today, I don’t know what happened, but it happened. The left side of my body felt like it got pierced by thousands of needles. Not the acupuncture kinda needles but the sewing needles kinda needles. It certainly hurt like hell on hell on earth. That’s twice the hellish moment, mind you.

After that, during the evening in class, again, the left side of my body was acting up again. This time, it turned numb. Well, it could have been that it was because I was leaning on my arms but hey, my right arm felt perfectly fine. I could barely feel my fingers and when I touched my left hand to my cheek, it was freezing cold whereas my right hand was warm. Did I mention that the air-conditioner was located on my right? Weird huh?

Another weird thing I noticed today was the fact that walking back home today was especially difficult. I usually am able to walk up the hill before panting from lack of air in my lungs (that comes from lack of exercise ), today however, I was already exhausted before even reaching the main road!

What is going wrong with this sickly body of mine? I know that you’re signaling for me to start doing something about you. But I am already walking to and fro from house to university and back to the house again. The concept “one small step eventually becomes a huge step” applies here you know. So please be patient with me. Don’t die out on me yet, I am trying my best.

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I’m sure a lot of people have noticed by now that I’ve been having lots of mood swings lately. I know that I have it too. But apparently I can’t seem to get out of this mood. Not that I don’t want to but I can’t help it when I’m in pain. Perhaps I should get some painkillers to help ease the pain?

But then again, I shouldn’t, I don’t want to get an addiction to it. I used to have a mini obsession for Panadols. So I better not.

I tell you, I hate it when there’s something that can be done but all of a sudden without notice, nobody does it, even after deciding upon it. I TRULY hate it. Dai kirai!!

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I wonder, am I a hard person to get along with? I think I am. In fact, I think I’m an impossible person to get along with. I hate that about myself so I try to change. But after I change, I despise myself because I’m not being myself at all. In fact, I change to conform and I do not like that idea of conformity.

*Bangs into wall*

I guess like that wall, I should just be myself, without any pretense and forever unmoving. Just stay strong and stick to what I believe. Anyway, I’m super exhausted now since I was awake last night rushing my final year project proposal. So now I’m off to sleep and up early tomorrow for a wedding before back to work again on assignments.

Good night!