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Ever since I was a baby, I was always labeled a sick child. In and out of the hospital at least once a month. A year has never gone by with a clean bill of health.

Because of that, nowadays, I tend to AVOID coming in contact with clinics, hospitals, doctors, or even nurses.

But today, I went to the clinic. No thanks to the recent string of diseases such as H1N1 that has been spreading around lately, I’ve caught myself a fever, cough, and flu to boot.

What I’m saying is, I’m sick. Get off my back for not having updated anything in a while. But I’m getting better, should be able to meet my deadline for DA on the 15th.

Recently, my little brother, who happens to be only a year younger than me, got himself a girlfriend. And I can only assume that it’s his first girlfriend. They’ve been together for weeks now and sad to say, I have no idea what her name is. I remember at 1st but then…it just fades…

In fact, I think our whole family aren’t used to having each others’ girlfriend or boyfriend brought into the house. Well, I never brought mine back. My relationships have always been secretive at best. I normally don’t tell my parents about my relationships until it ends. I don’t know why I do that, but maybe because I’ve always dated foreigners instead of my own kind, the chinese.

Admittedly, I don’t have much liking for chinese male. They make me look fatter than I already am. Why? Because they’re small. Believe me, when you’re big, you prefer to be with other big people to make you feel safe and happy. And that’s me. I like foreigners, especially the Americans. Not because they’re big, but because I can converse with them normally instead of having to revert to chinese every now and then to translate all the big words I mentioned in english to the chinese.

I discriminate and stereotype my own kind. Not because I hate chinese, but because it’s the truth. Also, chinese guys in Malaysia aren’t like those pure chinese. These chinese Malaysian are actually skinnier than those in China (I’ve seen guys in China, Malaysian guys can’t be compared to them). It’s as if they’re aneroxic by nature. Even my youngest brother is now a stick man. I just don’t get it…perhaps it’s the environment? Or maybe the genes? I don’t know, why can’t I find a guy who is not freaking thin and chinese?!

Oh wait…those guys are already taken by thin gorgeous people! No leftovers for fat mediocre me D: *cries*

So okay, lately, I haven’t been blogging about anything worth mentioning about to others. And sad to say, I feel that my blog has gone off its’ course and happen to be spiraling downwards in a plane-crash mode.

Perhaps I’ve been a little confuse as to who I am and what I should be doing. Indeed, the thought of just going out and doing something is making me sweat. Not the kind where you stand under the hot sun and start sweating. But the cold kind where you know you’re afraid. Afraid that you aren’t able to perform the task properly, afraid of what others’ might think of you. Afraid of what it means just to take the 1st step.

That, I must confess, is the kind of sweat I’m experiencing right now.

That too applies online. I can’t seem to blog about what I want to say as I’m afraid that the law might find me and put me away. And then I start thinking about what people might say about my blog, and how they would respond to it and what I would do in response to that.

To be honest, I’ve never been brave about almost everything in my life. In fact, I’m quite the coward. Willingly follow what others do, last to be daring, and 1st to dodge any rampaging problems coming at me. But is that so bad? I wonder. Even now, I’ve no idea as to why I am such a coward. Does it have something to do with the past? My genes? Or is it merely a defense mechanism? I wonder…

Perhaps, I should reevaluate myself. My being. The mysteries that is me. Perhaps then, I’ll be able to find the answer to my questions, the brave that was in me but now gone. Maybe then that I could finally come out into the open and look into a stranger’s face and not look away immediately. A braver me.